I’ve written about my share of controversial topics. However, I intentionally stay away from posts of a sexual nature…for a few reasons. Lol. But writing about dating experiences, love, etc., etc., it’s inevitable that it’s going to come up. I’ve said it several times before, that everything I write isn’t specifically about me. It hasn’t necessarily happened to me, BUT writing about and to [single] women, if I were only speaking directly about myself, we’d miss a broad range of topics…so here goes…
Somehow over a couple of drinks, something I’ve never even considered became my obsession over the next few weeks to follow. “Faking it.” To my surprise, and pretty random might I add, a male friend of mine casually glazed over the fact that he doesn’t always climax during his sexual encounters. I guess I’m not super shocked at that, although it’d be easy to assume men always do. “Finish,” I mean. And I’m guessing because of that assumption, this person feels the need to appear “satisfied” in order to avoid any judgement, criticism or what have you. I was a bit taken aback by this. But why? Because he’s a man? I know soooo many women who’ve made a habit of faking many things and on the top of that list is orgasms. I’ve conversed about it with girlfriends, read about it in books and magazines and an overall consensus seems to be that sometimes “IT” is just not going to happen. Obviously this is for several reasons. First reason, in a general sense, women tend to be more emotionally stimulated than men. Before anyone gets offended, (like last week), this is not about every single person and their sexual experiences. Again, it’s general. An “if the shoe fits” type of thing…And everything will not apply to everyone. So, to help my point, here are some stats. According to Cosmopolitan, when women are in a committed relationship, they tend to climax more often than if they’re not. On average, single women (not committed) tend to climax only 40% of the time during a sexual encounter, versus 70% of the time if they’re having said encounter with a partner they trust and are committed to. Mmmm…I’ll come back to that. Second reason: because of porn, movie sex scenes and the idea that sex “should” end with both parties sweaty, out of breath and ready to pass out, one doesn’t want to disappoint in the closing act. And if you like a guy, (which I’m assuming you do to some degree being that you’re having sex with him), you don’t want to “offend” him. So when he’s about to finish and you aren’t even close, I guess it’d be easier to just “fake it.”
Personally, I understand why people fake climaxing. I do. But then, I don’t. Men tend to be much more affected by their pride than women are. So, again, having him think he’s not satisfying you is something you probably don’t want to do because you like him and you don’t want to turn him off. But. Here’s my thing, if you feel comfortable enough to disrobe, put your lips all over this person’s body, swapping bodily fluids in various places, why on earth is it so hard to verbally communicate what you need from them? Reason 7,342 as to why I do not engage in casual sex. I do not know you; you do not know me. Not only am I uncomfortable with the idea of being so overly exposed with a practical stranger, who in the hell wants to go through all of that hoopla with someone who really has no reason to make sure you’re satisfied. They have no investment or allegiance to make sure you feel good. Sure, it’d be nice to think they will but if they don’t, is it even worth the discussion at the end? Will they care? Do you plan on doing this again? If not, I guess you just keep it moving. Let me interject myself (Lol), I know intercourse can be enjoyable without “climaxing.” And I know some people are more satisfied pleasing their partner. I get it. But if I RSVP for the party, the hope is to leave with a party favor and if I do not I’m not about to put on a full theatrical show for anyone. But that’s just me. And I guess it coincides with me not really wanting to fake anything. And I guess that’s the point.
In life, both men and women are faking it. We’re faking love, faking careers, faking friendships and faking orgasms. But again, for WHOM? Who exactly, is this show you’re putting on for? Is it to make you feel better about yourself. Or to make other people think you’re satisfied with your life? But why? With all of the opportunities we’re afforded, who needs to fake anything? If you want something, go out and get it, there’s no reason to lie about it or appear “pleased” if you’re not. I have a girlfriend who was in a 4 year relationship. Not only was she faking orgasms, she was faking happy. For both her pride and his. She didn’t want to prove people right. From the beginning everyone said he was wrong for her, and turns out they were right. But so what! She cared about him and respected him so she figured she could make it fit. And sexually, she was rarely satisfied because she had admittedly checked out emotionally. And for his pride she put on “the show.” The shaking, the moaning, the finishing act. But in her brain she was just so happy it was over and she could set her alarm for work the next morning. But the thing is this, I wasn’t shocked at her story because I’d heard it before. Many times. So why was I so thrown off by a man saying he fakes it too? I think I’m shocked he admitted it. That’s the first thing. I also think about the pride factor. Women don’t want a man, THEIR man to feel like anything less than A MAN. So for a man to be just as concerned with a woman’s ego, concerned enough to fake climaxing, well, I guess that shocked me.
So yesterday I started calling and texting male friends of mine. I was forthcoming in telling them it was for my post this week. I laid it out, “From your experience, or conversation with your male friends, is it common to find that men fake climaxing?” Let me say this, I didn’t ask random men on the street. Lol. These are men I know and have known for a respectable amount of time (some were even family members) and ones who I tend to have pretty intellectual conversations with AND they know I write so they’re usually pretty open to engaging in conversation. But let me say this, only 2 admitted to ever faking it. And this was after they both lied initially. Their feelings on the subject were similar. It’s dark, prophylactics are being used and she “doesn’t know anyway.” *insert mortified emoji* Lol. I said, “But YOU KNOW!” One of them said, “If I like shorty and she’s not just a jump off, I don’t want her to think I don’t really like her or that I got like a problem.” He’s referring to an erectile dysfunction. So, that’s about his pride just as much as it is hers. A different comment, that I wasn’t necessarily expecting, someone said, “I’ve not “finished,” before but I always do if it’s my girl. Somebody I’m connected to.” So, like women, it’s safe to say there is an emotional component. Another friend has deemed himself “pretty insatiable.” Basically saying he’s hard to please so he finds other ways to enjoy himself throughout the encounter and that if he doesn’t “finish,” he’s okay with that because the idea of finishing implies an order of things. And to him sex is an experience not just a biological happenstance, which I don’t disagree with. And just like it’s not a mere coincidence that you end up naked in someone’s bed (car, floor, etc.), neither is applying for a specific job, dating a certain individual, or making a financial move. Yes things happen, but our lives are a series of choices (for the most part). So, why, why, why, are we rushing through it, making half-assed decisions, and faking it, just so we can “get it over with?” Take your time, do things at a pace that make you comfortable, in the bedroom AND in your everyday life. Until next week, have a SuperGorge Day Dolls!
XoXo, #SGSG
-@lorealdanee
